Happy Sunday loves,
I pray you are all doing well. I’ve missed being here, writing…but it just didn’t feel right for a while. I would write and feel like I was just here. Just going through the motions. That tends to happen when you are living life without truly understanding who you are. I’ve been trying to write and hold onto this blog without understanding or acknowledging its contribution to the Kingdom. So often we see a variation of the quote, “what would you do if you weren’t afraid?” A lovely quote. Very thought-provoking. However, I took a different perspective this morning. The question, “what would you do if you WERE afraid?” came up for me. Hate to disappoint, but the simple truth is that I do have fears but I haven’t responded to them the way I should’ve. Recently, a recurring fear of not living as the person God has created me has been at the forefront of my mind. Instead of coming against this fear, I’ve been letting it come against me.
Consuming me with shame. I’ve felt crippled in my writing. I’m sure you can relate to the feeling of being so stuck in your past and missteps that you feel like you physically can’t move forward. I would write, but not be able to finish and consequently, not post.
Shame told me that I hadn’t been writing so, therefore, I shouldn’t. That I was made of dry bones and didn’t appreciate God’s gift enough for Him to revive it.
Shame told me that I was unworthy of claiming my Kingdom identity because I had given myself my own. I didn’t see the power of my voice the way God does. I saw what I wanted to see and soon learned that when my desires aren’t aligned with God’s, disappointment would be inevitable. All the while breaking God’s heart because I didn’t like the person He created me to be. I wanted to use the anointing of my voice in a way that actually limited the way I could best glorify Him. I wanted to force myself to fit in a box when God wanted me to stand on it.
The beauty of life is that we are created to live in the present moment. Trying to live in the past only promises dysfunction. I refuse to allow the enemy to rob me of my present. The joy that God has promised me in this moment. I can’t move into tomorrow or even the rest of today until I’ve completely left yesterday.
There was a time in which I would say that I was at my peak blogging momentum, but according to God, I haven’t reached my peak yet. I had to let go of the limited expectations that I’ve put on myself, and allow God to fill in the blanks. I am proud and humbled to say that God has allowed me to be a voice for the Kingdom.
What would I do if I was afraid? Afraid of not being the person that I am called to be?
I would do everything in my power and lean on God for the rest to ensure that I am truly living. Living on assignment. I am saying yes to God’s vision and plan for my life. It felt as if the past few months have been a test to see if I was truly committed to GOD’s plan for my life. But I’m appreciative of all and any tests because as Bishop Nelson Jr. says, “a yes not tested is a yes that cannot be trusted.”
What do your fears say about how you view yourself? How you view God?
Suggestions that I have for overcoming these fears would be to
Talk to someone
Not just anyone. Someone who sees you. Someone who can look at you and see God’s hand over your life. Who can see the Holy Spirit flowing through you even when you can’t see, let alone feel it. Someone who prays for you. Wars for you. Would become a better version of themselves, to better love you. I have those people and there are no better friends than those. I am more than willing to be that person for you, sis. Whoever is reading this, please know that you are in my prayers and you have a friend in me.
My person is teaching me that comparison is the enemy of growth. Guided by Grace by Ahoskie’s finest, Travious Mitchell, is a blog that I’ve admired since its conception and I don’t think it’s author could be more humble. I’ll talk about him more one day, but definitely check it out when you get a chance. The first word that comes to mind would be “transformative.” Read it and you’ll understand why. Old Chan used to compare myself to him a lot, but at this point in my relationship with Christ, I’m less inclined to compare but more so be appreciative. Appreciative of the opportunity to be taught and led. Yesterday, one of my close friends made it a point to help me see that I deserve to be led, just as much as I lead others. Accepting that is a major act of self-love, and sometimes it’s hard for us “independent” [prideful] women to grasp. But it’s okay to be loved, sis.
Abide in Christ
Ask God what you need to do to continue to abide in Him. Or, simply say yes. Yes Lord, yes.
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.”John 15: 1-4
Let me remind you that your Father is your personal gardener, not the world. He is not in the business of simply cutting away His most prized garden, but pruning it to make sure that it flourishes to its maximum potential. This is you, love. God wants you to be the best version of yourself, not for Him but for you. The fruit you are currently yielding only pales in comparison to the harvest you will yield once you allow God to prune you.
For me, pruning looked like letting go of the need to be “seen” by the world. I thought I had, but not in all aspects. I compared myself to a lot of bloggers and forgot that by God’s grace, I am my own person. Not just another blogger.
Looking at my reflection in my laptop, I see someone who has been commissioned to share the beauty of being yourself + being with Christ in a world that is not accepting of both in the same sentence, and I love her. She’s pretty dope.
So are you!
When you look in the mirror, who do you see?
I see you sis. You’re beautiful.