So, I’m writing again. Not really sure who I’m writing to. But it’s been almost exactly a month since I actually wrote a post. So I guess I just figured I’d go for it. I write a lot to God. A lot of time I feel like He’s the only one that hears me. I’m not sure why, but it seems like the enemy loves to silence me. Try to at least. Make me feel like I’m inadequate. Unheard. Unseen. The list goes on. But I know the truth. Sometimes I don’t believe it. But knowing is the first step.
Just a disclaimer, my thoughts are really scattered right now, so a lot of this probably will seem sporadic. That’s just my life in this season.
I’m trying. Truly trying to stay afloat. A few weeks ago, one of my friends delivered a message from the Lord to me. Essentially it was just that God wants me to relax in this sea of uncertainty. There was an image of me just floating in my own inner tube of a lazy river. Letting it take me wherever it pleased. That sounds cool, right? Incredibly reassuring. Until life happens. Leading a small group. Counseling friends. Witnessing to people at work (on top of actually working). Family. Then all of a sudden that lazy river flows into a turbulent sea, where not even an inner tube could keep me afloat, just my faith. Not to mention, I can barely swim.
I’m struggling because I’m trying to balance the emotional distress and pressure that comes with being forced to endure such a storm while also being appreciative of the fact that God is even teaching me how to swim, and that He’s still here.
I think it’s interesting that I’m experiencing all of this during the summer. When I’m away from my friends. The spiritual guidance of others that I depended on more than I realized. And the fact that I could easily isolate myself and retreat to a safety house if needed. Very intentional move of God. Can you imagine trying to play chess with God? And knowing that He won before the game even started? Tough life @the_enemy.
But here, at home. I’m exposed. In the middle of the sea with nothing in sight except for a light house in the distance. Sometimes not even sure if you’re just imagining things, or if it’s really there. So you just hope it’s real. That the light is not a figment of your imagination. And that it sees you just as you see it. It’s the hope that you cling onto.
I think once you step back and realize the many ways God is actually answering your prayers and giving you the desires of your heart, you will be grateful. I remember telling God that I wanted Him to be what filled me up completely, but I actually desired the love and affection of someone else just as much as I did Him. While it’s not necessarily “more,” it was still too much. I was giving God half of my heart and allowing someone else to live in the other half. My prayer and my desire did not align and I was limiting who God was in my life. So, I’m grateful that God is actually giving me His desires for me.
In this season, I’m getting to know God as a bestfriend. I’ve met Him as Lord and Father, but I haven’t really known Him in this capacity. He’s here when I want to be loved on. He comforts me after a long day at work or a rough small group meeting.
I honestly miss my bestfriend. The one I was replacing God with, yes. That probably sounds terrible but I don’t feel ashamed about it because it’s something I’m constantly expressing to God. I don’t think I could’ve done anything to change the outcome of our situation, so I don’t have any regrets, it’s just a little sad. I’m the type of person that would be willing to die for my friends but I honestly don’t think he would’ve for me. I could be wrong, but God ended things for a reason so I’ll just try to trust that He was protecting us from something. I still struggle with “letting go.” It’s gotten a lot easier, but I miss the intimacy that we had. But I appreciate His grace and protection because He ended things before I was in too deep. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of everything and being disciplined. It definitely didn’t have to be this hard but I set myself up for that. I feel like I ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and doing so exposed me to a lot. The aftermath of doing that was easier when I had access to that person, but when you have to quit a relationship cold turkey it really shows you where you truly put your hope and what master you served. So I’m grateful for that. I try not to really talk about him or how I feel about the situation because it still make me sad and that’s kind of a lot for someone to be on the receiving end of. So I try to talk to God about it. But even then He just tells me to push through it and trust Him. I know He understands, but sometimes it feels like He doesn’t.
I know He’s not telling me that I have to be strong 25/8, but regardless of how vulnerable I am, it feels like there’s always something lingering. I think small group should be a safe place for me but even then it’s not because it consists of my cousins and friends. I think my friends extend more grace to me than my cousins. But we’re all trying, so I try not to take it personal.